This is something:
In a world of mindless greetings and thoughtless replies, most of the verbal trash that comes out of people’s mouths goes unnoticed. You ever hear something like this:
-”Hi! My name’s Andy Moronokis.”
-”No way! That’s my name too!”
-”Boy, I’ll tell ‘ya, that’s something.”
–Yes, like interesting or a “coincidence.”
I’ve been hearing this a lot lately: “That’s something.” Is there anything that’s not something? Actually, even nothing is something.
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As of today I will now answer ‘no’ when people ask me to “say hello to (person) for me” or “send my love to…”. I am not your messenger nor do I want the burden of responsibility on my shoulders. I’m not even sure how to send love, although I have a few ideas.
You would think people would use this ancient method of sending information for not-so-polite messages:”Tell grandma she’s a bitch for me.” or “Send your father my complete disgust for me, will you?”
We have phones nowadays, if you want to send love or say hello, call them if they’re that important.
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It was a normal morning at work. The coffee was brewing, the copy machine was warming up, and the phone was ringing. I answered the day’s first call in the usual mundane voice, the lady on the other end didn’t seem to loose any engery with my hardly chipper greeting.
“Yes! Hi! You’re going to think I’m crazy but…” –too late.
“But, I’m in a contest and I had a question, how many wings does a ‘bi-plane’ have?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was this a prank call, or just an average Wal-Mart employee with a sincere question?
I said, “Well, let’s break it down. Bi-cycle, bi-noculars, bi-focals. Bi means two, tri means three, quad means four. What’s your best guess?”
“Three?”
Needless to say, her stupidity caused me to hang up the phone in disgrace.
I’m almost embarrassed to say that I’m of the same species as this winner.
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Good memories. Why do they have to be memories? Why is it that everything good goes away in the end? This shit life supplies us with complete garbage accompanied with a good memory, sprinkled here and there. Good times will always go awry; either that or good things are secretly consolidated with pure shit.Where did it all go wrong? I mean, think about it. Take any history class for example: any topic you learn is a horrific story. You never learn about anything good in history. And if you do, it’s a lie. Remember that Christopher Columbus fellow? What a crock of shit that story was. Another perfect example of this is the news.
“Today children at Wichita Elementary celebrated National Hug Day. Over 2,500 students participated. John, Michelle, back to you in the studio…”
“Well Susan, good to hear, good to hear indeed. In other news, over 5,000 people die aboard a jumbo cruise liner on its way to the Bahamas. It was said to be work of Ali Jiahmad Ali. And now we go live to the footage of the burning bodies…”
Am I right? I wish I wasn’t. Try to prolong any good times you have, for they won’t last long.
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Why Wal-Mart is quite possibly the worst store ever:First of all “Wal-Mart” is the poster child for white trash across the United States. Let’s go through a typical day at Wal-Mart. First, you have to get into the parking lot. Just to drive to your parking spot you have to wait for family after family to cross the damn street in front of the store opening. Then you walk in and you have to be greeted by some old hag dying of cancer. Truth is they really don’t give a shit “how you are today.”
Then you have to dodge the 3 year old’s vomit spill in front of the conveniently placed McDonalds.
So now the stress is over right? Wrong. Now you have to get to the isle you want. You’ll have to pass hundreds of ugly fat women, usually you’ll have to squeeze by. If you want help you either have to ask someone that barely speaks “English” or you have to talk someone that will make you want to make a vomit spill of your own.
Now, you found what you wanted so now let’s get in line. YAY! This is my favorite part!
Now we’re in line behind Cletus and his family that just saved money on car oil, diapers, and his new wedding rings. Then behind him are about 15 other families that resemble Cletus and his family.
A few hours later, you leave the store. BUT WAIT! There’s more! Now some poor sap old man has to make sure you didn’t steal any rash ointment. “Yes sir, I bought a CD and some socks. It’s fully documented right here on my receipt.”
Being “Different” for Dummies
Chapter 1: The Look
First: In order to be different in today’s world you can’t take a picture just like anyone. You must ALWAYS look strongly to the left or the right. It also helps to look depressed/shocked/amazed for no apparent reason. Don’t be afraid to strike that web cam pose!
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Second: Dark Eyeliner is a must, especially if you’re a guy. Only the coolest bands like “Good Charlotte and “Green Day” do this.
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Our third step is the hair. You can’t be different unless you have the same hair as everyone else. It needs to be no longer than shoulder length and black, only black. Try keeping the front or sides really short.
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Once you’ve got that down, it’s time to do what NO ONE has done yet. 2-tone hair. Just think of any color besides black and pick some strands of hair and dye it that color. I’m going to go with red for today. I’m shooting for the Rufio look.
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Now I know you’re saying, “Ryan, I’ve done everything you told me to do but I still don’t look different!” Right? Well of course you don’t look different yet, you’re not pasty-white enough! To do this, sit inside all day for 3 months and write some “creative poem.” If you don’t want to do that, do what I do! Just apply some makeup that will have you looking pasty as ever in mere minutes! Another way of doing this is by editing your pictures in Adobe Photoshop, render your images black and white and turn the contrast all the way up. This will impress your friends in no-time.
We’re looking good! Only a few more steps on your way to being totally “different!” These next couple steps are personal choice you can do as many as you want of them, I’ll do all of them. It’s time to add cranium accessories. First you need to add a couple piercing to your face. Then add hot-pink eye shadow to the top and grey eye shadow to the bottom.
Now you’re all set to: go hang out at the mall or movie theatre, hang out in some parking lot, go to school and maintain your .002 GPA, rebel against your parents, and most importantly pay a visit to your local “Hot Topic.”
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you look just like everyone else, dumb-ass.
Ever been driving and read a very stupid piece of literature stuck to the back of someone’s car? Casey and I have thought of a few things people could put on their cars to add to the rest of their sticky compendiums. Such as, “I’d rather, rather not,” “I’d rather be dead,” and “My other car is a piece of shit too.”But today I saw the dumbest of them all. I felt embarrassed looking at the damn thing. I mean, whoever wrote this needed to be strapped to the back of a 12-ton truck and have it back up into a wall of needles at 120mph. It was that bad.
It read, “Beware of red-headed NASCAR fan.”
My initial intent was to ram the bitch off the road. I would of if I hadn’t got caught up in analyzing it. I thought to myself, “Watch out, the hair that grows on my body is red, I have freckles, I’m ugly, my step dad beats me, and I enjoy watching cars make left turns for hours on end.”
To make matters worse, as I passed this redheaded NASCAR fan, I took a look to the right at her. Both of her hands 10 and 2, tunnel vision, and to top it off she was talking to herself.
I wanted to sell her my idea for a license plate frame, “BEWARE: Typical female driver.”
Speaking of 10 and 2. Why 10 and 2? I keep mine at 9:45 and 2:15. That way I have an extra half an hour to get to school.
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I’ve always longed for the perfect period of time or “zeitgeist”, a German word that literally translates to “spirit of the time.” Am I too late?
I’m generally envious of past generations. I spend a lot of time thinking about previous life chapters and immersing myself in them. I take myself there in my time machine that is music. Music opens the pages to my memory’s journal. It’s funny how music almost never opens up any negative pages, which is why I love listening to it.
Yesterday always seems easier and tomorrow always feels like an up-and-coming chore. Even during the times which I now look back on as amazing, then I had the same thoughts about the next day. I guess I should put more hope in for another perfect zeitgeist since 99.99% of time is uncharted. Listen to music.
Leave a comment with some good memories we’ve had together – then name a song that reminds you of that era, if any.
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HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY (This is genius)
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
DRINK LIQUOR
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.
People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
MAKE THINGS UP
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you’ll be damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say instead:
“The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say:
“This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, “You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.”
USE MEANINGLESS BUT WEIGHTY-SOUNDING WORDS AND PHRASES
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-à-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.”, “e.g.”, and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you don’t.”
Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,”Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say:
“Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.” Only a fool would challenge that statement.
USE SNAPPY AND IRRELEVANT COMEBACKS
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You’re begging the question.
You’re being defensive.
Don’t compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.
Don’t forget the classic: YOU’RE SO LINEAR.
Here’s how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You’re begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You’re being defensive.
So that’s it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
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